Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get down to business: England is a sewer. Not all of it mind you, there are a couple of good bits here and there, mostly in Devon and Cornwall but with rare exception every city on this island is a monument to the over-exuberant use of concrete coupled with style-deaf architecture and overflowing rubbish bins.
For my American readers and others in the world who are geographically challenged, I must point out that England is not synonymous with Britain or the United Kingdom. England is a component part of the UK, like Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland. Wales and Scotland (with the exception of Newport and Glasgow) tend to have scenic beauty by the truckload and are inhabited by proud folk who, much to their credit, hate England almost as much as the French do.
A word or two about the language I use here. First, I swear a lot in my normal conversation, to an extent that would cause embarrassment if I were ever called to dinner with the Queen. Since this is unlikely to happen in this or any other lifetime, I feel safe to continue my wicked ways. However, my use of colourful language does tend to find its way into my writing as well so if you are easily shocked by the gratuitous use of the word “fuck” I would advise you to look elsewhere for your Internet entertainment fix. Someone much smarter than me once said that an author should never write as if their mother was reading their book. Sorry mum. As if I haven’t already given you enough things to be ashamed about.
Secondly, because I have been trapped in England for so long, I have assimilated a good many of their more accessible phrases and colloquialisms. I now say (and write) “pissed” instead of “drunk,” “car-park” instead of “parking lot” and “mobile” instead of “cell-phone.” Dodgy, poorly and yonks have, regretfully, also entered my vocabulary. What I do not do, what NO American should EVER do, regardless of how long they live in England is start actually speaking with an English accent. It doesn’t sound cool, it doesn’t make you sound smarter, it makes you sound like a pretentious twat. Madonna and my ex-girlfriend should have headed this advise.
Lastly, I can’t spell. I use spell check. I use the UK English dictionary setting because, well, I live in the UK. Don’t think I’ve gone native just because “colour” comes out with an extra “u.” It looks weird to me too.
For my American readers and others in the world who are geographically challenged, I must point out that England is not synonymous with Britain or the United Kingdom. England is a component part of the UK, like Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland. Wales and Scotland (with the exception of Newport and Glasgow) tend to have scenic beauty by the truckload and are inhabited by proud folk who, much to their credit, hate England almost as much as the French do.
A word or two about the language I use here. First, I swear a lot in my normal conversation, to an extent that would cause embarrassment if I were ever called to dinner with the Queen. Since this is unlikely to happen in this or any other lifetime, I feel safe to continue my wicked ways. However, my use of colourful language does tend to find its way into my writing as well so if you are easily shocked by the gratuitous use of the word “fuck” I would advise you to look elsewhere for your Internet entertainment fix. Someone much smarter than me once said that an author should never write as if their mother was reading their book. Sorry mum. As if I haven’t already given you enough things to be ashamed about.
Secondly, because I have been trapped in England for so long, I have assimilated a good many of their more accessible phrases and colloquialisms. I now say (and write) “pissed” instead of “drunk,” “car-park” instead of “parking lot” and “mobile” instead of “cell-phone.” Dodgy, poorly and yonks have, regretfully, also entered my vocabulary. What I do not do, what NO American should EVER do, regardless of how long they live in England is start actually speaking with an English accent. It doesn’t sound cool, it doesn’t make you sound smarter, it makes you sound like a pretentious twat. Madonna and my ex-girlfriend should have headed this advise.
Lastly, I can’t spell. I use spell check. I use the UK English dictionary setting because, well, I live in the UK. Don’t think I’ve gone native just because “colour” comes out with an extra “u.” It looks weird to me too.
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