Why do they lie to us?

Early on most of us learn that TV and movies lie to us. Those who don’t usually remove themselves from the gene pool by imitating cartoon stunts involving falling anvils.

However, the subtle stereotyping perpetuated by anglophile Hollywood studios has left most of us with a rather too rosy picture of life on these isles. Indeed, it could safely be said that the heart-warming and heroic visions of English life that comes to us in movies like Good-bye Mr. Chips and Chariots of Fire are in reality fabrications of minds so far gone with a tweed fetish that they are not worth saving.

The grim truth is that a far more accurate depiction of British life can be found from repeated viewings of A Clockwork Orange and Get Carter. None the less, certain misinformed assumptions endure and I feel duty bound to address them here.

Before I really begin to sling mud I am compelled to point out that, far from simply being an ugly, ill-informed and culturally ignorant American, I am in fact an ugly, reasonably well informed and travelled, Englishman. Having obtained, through shear bloody-mindedness, the most coveted of all globe-trotting credentials: dual citizenship.

Since I joined the two-passport club by choice rather than birth I am particularly aware that the hand I am biting has been feeding me for the past several years. In the interest in fairness, and just in case there are officials from the Home Office reading this, I will endeavor to compile a list of things I actually LIKE about England; however, said list will be shorter and not as funny so I’ll lead with my strengths.